The last time I saw my father (or Waiting)

The last time I saw my father, it was a hot day in mid-July, just a month ago. He and my step-mother had driven six hours north to retrieve his car from me. The car he was supposed to get last October. I wanted it gone, this reminder of him. How do I explain ... there is much I have forgiven, but still so much I cannot yet forgive. The car was not a generous gift, but a loan with a million strings attached. Strings I have been trying to detach since I was ten.

But he came here, finally, and the day was spent sweating and squinting, charging the dead battery, replacing flat tires, making small talk. All talk is small with him, empty of meaning. He lacks the depth I always longed for him to have. He has always disappointed. Promises were meant to be broken, with him, gifts to burden, lies to soften the inevitable blow. He cannot be who I wanted him to be, who I dreamed he was in my childhood.

He was once my hero; now he is always the villain, and I am angry for still loving him, for still secretly needing him to care. So angry that I avoid his phone calls, keep visits to a minimum, and call him by his first name behind his back. So angry and yet so sad. In this disappointment lives a little girl who just wanted to be good enough to be loved.

This trip was no different than the others before it. Every time I find, upon reflection, that I still dream he will change and he will love me for who I am... a lesson I have not learned myself. Maybe what I am really waiting for is the day that I stop waiting for him to change and learn to love him despite his imperfections, and maybe that will be enough.

MI PAPÁ

La junta de mujeres escritoras de Agosto 10- 2008
fue especial. El tema para nuestro primer poema
fue (La ultima ves que viste a tu papa.)
La mayoría del grupo somos mujeres con edad de 25 a 55 anos.
Mi poema fue asi

MI PAPÁ

Fragil figura inerte en su aposento
Alma angustiosa...
Refleja en su fas la inquietante pregunta.
Sufrimiento agobiante...
Si!...Anela el alivio de su pesada carga.
Lloro en silencio...
Siento su aliento al tocar su pecho,
que palpita anelante
en presuroso paso.
No encuentro palabras para expresar lo que siento.
Pero mis manos palpan,
aun su bello rostro.
Cuantas beses te busque sin encontrarte,
y sufrí inmensamente tu abandono.
Hoy mis lagrimas como
una serena lluvia riegan tu cuerpo.
Y asi dan alivio a nuestras almas.
Perdón sin palabras, pues hay veces
a las palabras se las lleva el viento.
Al final de nuestro gran momento,
salgo, dejándote con un beso.
Y retengo para siempre en mi mente
la ultima brillante luz amorosa de
tus ojos verdes.

Copyright 2008, Marycela Avalos

"The last time I saw my father..."

Whenever our nearly-weekly group Women Writers gathers, we begin with a writing prompt. A priority for us is time for writing! The most recent prompt was

"The last time I saw my father..."

--a very powerful prompt indeed. Here is what I wrote in reply:

"10 August 2008 - The last time I saw my father was Sunday, November 28, 19999, in the afternoon Pacific Time. He died, which means he passed from a shell to a sea until another shell passed his way. His picture sits on my dresser. There he stands on a boulder lodged in a river with rapids. He smiles wearing a shirt with a grizzly bear. The bear looks up as its jaws open wide, rows of teeth displayed. Bear was one of Dad's totems, as was Eagle with out-stretched talons. Dad speaks to me through Elvis songs on the radio, and he is with me more than I know."

Copyright 2008, Melissa Dey Hasbrook.

Nancy Allen * 3 August

The Gallery Walk performance art series at Everybody Reads Books and Stuff happens this Sunday, 3 August, at 2pm. (ER is located on E. Michigan Ave. of Lansing, MI, next to the Gone Wired Cafe.)

Featured is poet NANCY ALLEN who is joined by her daughters Courtney and Katie:

Ms. Allen's poetry has been published by The New Citizens Press and The Sunshine Lady Foundation. She partnered in conceptualizing and organizing the program Words of Hope and Healing (April 2008), which resulted in two performances that benefited the Women's Center of Greater Lansing.

Various Women Writers also are sharing poems. And YOU too are invited to read! Ms. Allen calls on words that "celebrate poetry, life, love and words of hope and healing."

Earth Charter Oneness Book Project

I came across an interesting web site for The Peace and Collaborative Development Network.

It posts a Global Call for Submissions: Earth Charter Oneness Book Project, which sounds incredible.

The goal date for first considerations is 15 August.

Aug 13-17 * Writing Workshop

Good news! The Leaven Center, located in Lyons, MI, is offering a writing workshop very soon! If you have yet to visit, Leaven's retreat lodge neighbors the Grand River and a lively stretch of forest.

Here is the latest announcement from Leaven about the workshop:

We are happy to welcome back Anya Achtenberg and Demetria Martinez, who will lead the writing workshop Telling the Truth About Our Lives: The Art of Autobiography, August 13-17, at The Leaven Center. The workshop is filling up, but we have space for a few more! You will find an interview with Anya in Leaven Notes, in which she explains the importance of autobiographical writing in our lives and to social justice work.

June & July Poetry - DotP

I recently published poetry on my web site Dey of the Phoenix:

*What Women Know About Love
*Fear

Comments are welcome!